Well, wasn't sure how I was going to put one foot in front of the other the past few weeks, but alas God picked them up and moved them for me. When I would have pulled the covers over my head, HE yanked them off of me, stood me up, and prodded me to move forward.
I left Redbird with such a spiritual high, but when I got home and settled, I came crashing down. The true reality of me "being a widow" and being truly alone without my "friend" and "mate" knocked at my door until it broke through my thoughts. Wow! This was some revelation and it took my breath away.
Yesterday was exactly five months since his death. Even though the old expression is "that time flies when you are having fun", it also flies in the blink of an eye. This time last year, he had, himself, returned from Redbird. He probably wasn't physically able to go, but it was spiritually necessary for him to go one more time. We had just found out that the cancer had spread---that his clean slate was now dirty again. He had just been asked to go and help on the Emmaus Walk in the Spring, 2010. He needed to feel healthy one more time in God's nest in the mountains. He needed "his mountaintop experience" refresher course.
God delivered and so did James G. He accomplished all that he set out to do and never looked back.
I have had my mountaintop experience, and it looks like I am in need of a refresher course already. God really has his hands full with me right now, but it is such a blessing to know that I am worth it to God. I feel his guiding hands even when I resist.
In time HE will make all things right, but right now, all is not right. So, if you are friend or family, excuse my lack of interest, inability to make decisions about the holidays, and absentmindedness.
I am finally giving myself permission to truly grieve. I have to find my "new normal" for myself. A dear friend enlightened me to this fact. It is okay and necessary to grieve. I need to also remember that it is still very early in this process of healing.
Psalms 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts".
Grace and peace,
Cathy
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